Our 2016 Olympics junk-food taste test

The Olympics are on again, sports fans. You might have heard. This means the marketing departments of major corporations are working overtime to sell junk food on the back of the world's best athletes. Eating burgers and drinking Coke is the pathway to gold, right?

Is any of this green-and-gold grub worth a medal? I tasted the official and not-so-official Olympic foods to find out.

Anyway, according to its box, this burger is "Made for every Aussie Legend, Olympian or Not [sic]". There's angus beef, fried egg, grilled onion, tomato, bacon, cheddar, lettuce, beetroot (because: Aussie) and a lug of something doing its best barbecue sauce impression.

Remove the egg and it's not terrible. The bread and meat are drier than Dubbo, and there's way too much sticky sauce, but the grilled onion, beetroot and non-shredded lettuce get along well together. McOz diehards should be happy with this limited-time-only imposter.

SCORE (WITH DISGUSTING EGG) 1/10

SCORE (WITHOUT DISGUSTING EGG) 6/10

It could still probably do with 75 per cent less mayo and 100 per cent less cheese. Chicken and cheese has rarely been a winning combination and there's a reason why chook cordon bleu has gone the way of Leo Sayer's career.

"Best enjoyed with friends cheering our Olympians on," the packaging tells me. Hip-hip-hooray for healthy living.

SCORE 6.5/10 - BRONZE

I'm not above the Hut – there's merit in a thin-based Hawaiian after a night in the fridge – but Christ on Corcovado mountain, this is bad pizza.

Barbecue sauce is the main offender. A cloying punch in the face that zig-zags across onion, red and green capsicum on life support, kidney beans (because: Brazil), and steak strips so rubbery it's actually impressive. I managed to eat one slice and the rest of it had a hot date with the wiz bin.

SCORE 2/10

Most chicken and vegetable flavours are snuffed by the downpour of barbecue sauce. These big, stupid, sweaty pizzas didn't transport me to Rio. They took me back to year 7 birthday parties, eating deep pan BBQ Meatlovers and playing multiplayer Goldeneye until sunrise.

SCORE 2.5/10

Turns out the Apple Crumble Dairy Milk is an Olympics exclusive to Coles. Woolies gets the Lamington variety for the Games. It's laced with coconut and tiny, sugary bits and pieces the wrapper says are raspberry jam and "vanilla cake" flavour. Coconut dominates, meaning the bar tastes more like a Bounty than a lamington, but it's all quite addictive and I find myself taxing a chunk on each visit to the fridge.

SCORE 7.5/10 - GOLD

There's an accompanying chocolate dipping sauce that might be all right heated, but served cold, it's thick and stodgy and similar to those YoGo puddings kids used to get in their lunch box.

No. Cancel that. YoGos were delicious. These are not.

SCORE 3/10

I'm all for 'em, by the way, and there's a good deal of fun to be had by hunkering down with a bowlful to watch judo and fencing and other sports Australians have no interest in between Olympics.

SCORE 7/10 - SILVER