Christmas 2013: top picks for bon bons

Back in 1840, a London sweet seller tried to boost the sales of his flagging bon bons, wrapped in twists of paper, by inserting love messages. Sweets were later changed for trinkets and a small "cracking" device added. We invited comedy writer and actor Stephen Hall, known for playing Bert Newton in Graham Kennedy bio-pic The King, to lead the panel in judging the Christmas crackers.

“The crack has to crack,” said the professional jokester. “The hats have to fit and not tear. The novelty should maintain your interest for at least five seconds and preferably not pose a choking hazard, and the jokes should be bland and inoffensive.”

Rankings:

First: Coles Enchanted Crackers
Six for $12 ($2 each), Coles supermarkets

A metallic cardboard tube with ends tied in ribbon that opened with a great crack. The hats fitted but tore slightly. The plastic wrapped gifts, such as a fibreglass tape measure, impressed the panelists. A sample gag read Q: What do you call a fly without wings? A: Walk!

Second: David Jones Home
10 for $29.95 ($2.99 each), David Jones stores

These crackers were handmade in England and wrapped in attractive gold foil. A durable, colourful hat inside was accompanied, in one, by a small set of cardboard dominoes. A sample gag read: Q: Why did the rocket lose his job? A: Because he was fired.

Third: Woolworths Select - Woolworths
$7 for 10 ($0.70 each), Woolworths supermarkets

A smaller metallic cardboard tube finished in ribbons in which was found hats that tore quite easily and a very nasty looking see-through plastic rattle. Very good value for money. A sample gag read: Q: What do you call a lady attached to a washing line? A: Peg.

Fourth: Christmas Bon Bon
Eight for $9.99 ($1.25 each), various discount stores

This very large bon bon was picked off the shelves from a suburban $2 plus shop. The crack was a little dull, the hat too small and the trinket a fortune telling fish. A sample gag read: Q: What has a bed but does not sleep, and a mouth but does not sleep? A: A River.

Fifth: Trivial Pursuit
Six for $29.99 ($5 each), Myer stores

Sadly the most expensive cracker gave the panelists the least joy. The cracker was loud, the paper hat large and good quality and the trinket, a Trivial Pursuit key ring, was solid. There was no joke however but trivia. A sample piece was too long to reprint here but covered early corporate history of the Trivial Pursuit board game.