Bloody Mary's

If you're going to review a place called Bloody Mary's you might as well be more hung-over than Boonie after Bathurst. Otherwise, how can you tell whether a place that specialises in the world's No. 1 hangover cure (after Berocca​, cold pizza, an ocean swim, night-strength Mersyndol​, post-mix Coke, Point Break, Chinese delivery, John Oliver, leftover sausages, Sigur Ros, drinking cider in the bath, crying in the bath, mi goreng, Rocky I-IV, Zooper Doopers and more crying) is worth its celery salt?

The night before heading to Victoria Street's newest watering hole, I actually got so slap-happy I missed its bacon-heavy brunch service completely and woke up at 3pm.

Mission accomplished.

On a Sunday evening the place is empty, save for one couple who look like they are either breaking up or getting back together. It's an attractive joint inside, clean and uncluttered, with white walls and polished floorboards. Most of the kitsch is relegated to an outdoor area where creeping vines and a fiddle-leaf fig look embarrassed to share real-estate with stars-and-stripes-patterned cushions and seating covered in fake grass.

Opposite a well-stocked bar, a hand-painted sign reads: "We're pretty sure the concept of brunch was created to give people an excuse to drink a bloody Mary before noon."

I'm pretty sure it was invented to hang out with people you kind of like, but not enough to have proper meal with. Cheers to drinking tomato juice with celery and vodka at any time of day, I reckon.

The menu lists nine types of bloody Mary (10 if you count the non-alcoholic virgin Mary, which I don't). These include the ruddy Mary ($15) with gin, the bloody pirate ($15) with Pampero dark rum, and "Mary's plonk" ($19) with vodka and red wine, which sounds like the kind of thing made on first-year university bender.

We opt for a couple of classics ($14) made with Ketel One vodka, an above-average spice mix and, rather pleasingly, fresh tomato juice squeezed on site. It makes for a drink that's bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and delicious. The trade-off is that fresh tomato juice means the bloody Mary is a pale and unappealing shade of processed-cheese orange instead of Rocky Horror red.

The only bloody Mary that does use store-bought tomato juice is the bloody caesar ($23) made with clam-broth-flavoured Clamato juice. I like a good caesar, but not when it's garnished with a boiled egg on a stick. Being hung-over and presented with a boiled egg on stick is not ideal.

The most ridiculous bloody Mary is the bloody hell ($25), and the waitress, who is lovely, jokingly doubts my ability to handle a full one.

Totem-poled within a jungle of celery is a cold prawn, a dry slider and a forgettable chicken wing. I get that over-the-top bloody Mary's "a thing" in the States and on Instagram, but I'm not sure if an extra $10 or so for three bar snacks you wouldn't eat at a wedding is stellar value. Also, for a drink made with chili-infused vodka, there was no discernible kick.

A hot dog ($13) is one of the lighter options on menu that also lists Boston chowder with seafood, root vegetables and bacon ($14) and something call the "heart attack" ($48), a plate for three mates piled with guacamole, bagel chips, jalapeno peppers, buffalo wings, chilli salt shrimp and onion rings.

You may have already heard via social media that Bloody Mary's rocks an all-day Spam burger ($16). Yep, Spam. That canned, precooked crime against humanity loved only by Hawaiians, Margaret Thatcher and Monty Python  

Straight from the tin, I find the pudgy pink brick inedible. Bloody Mary's grills slabs of it for the burger so the stuff doesn't taste that bad, especially when pineapple, tomato, bacon and a lifetime supply of mustard join the party. Still, why anyone who isn't a 200-kilogram kahuna master would want to eat any more than one of these in a lifetime is beyond me.

At the end of the evening, after two bloody Marys, half a spam burger and some not-bad scotch fillet with mushrooms ($25), you know what? Hangover gone! For an attractive joint with greasy food and wrong-righting drinks, Bloody Mary's is your bag.

If you're after anything more sophisticated to soothe the pain of last night's enthusiasm, best stay in bed with a Downton Abbey and a Doritos bag.

THE LOW-DOWN
Go for… the hot sauce selection.
Stay for… a menu greasy and stodgy enough to absorb all of last nights activities – and then some.
Drink… a classic bloody Mary made with fresh tomato juice.
And… don't let the cure become the cause.