Blue Cattle Dog Hotel

"Bloody hell. Where did you get that haircut?" asked a mate. "The pub?".

"Yep. That's exactly where I got it" I told him. "It cost $15 and it was awesome."

Blokes, you haven't lived until you've gone for a round in a boxing ring, cried along to Flame Trees and had your hair cut while drinking a schooner. The Blue Cattle Dog Hotel can facilitate all three of these things and it also has a drive-through TAB.

The last time I was in St Clair I had to spend an hour at the train station waiting to be picked up to go to an engagement party. It reminded me of The Police Academy Stunt Show set at Warners Brothers Movie World with less high jinks and more gentlemen wanting to stab me in the face.

In contrast, the Cattle Dog is a sea of families, Hi-Vis and friendly folk. The TAB area is the size of small house, a bistro serves $7.50 schnitzels at lunch on weekdays, and there are more Ultimate Fighting Championship posters than a nine-year-old's bedroom.

I can't wait to return with my "Monty's Rewards" card and sink schooners for less than $5. For a non-Monty's member, VB is $5.20, Reschs is $4.40 a middy, and Carlton Draught schooners are on special at $5 a pop. The only problem with that deal is that you would have to drink Carlton Draught.  

It's a well-known truth that Woolworths bought the Cattle Dog a couple of years ago. I've got a mate who grew up in St Clair who no longer drinks here as result. "It's rubbish now," he says. "It used to be popular until Woolies got rid of the topless barmaids."

However, Woolies didn't give Sergio Talarico and his barbershop the boot. Talarico has been shaving necks and noggins next to the pool tables for almost 20 years and he's a deadset legend. I feel bad taking him away him from a flutter on the horses, but he doesn't mind in the least.

"All good!" he says. "What'll it be? Just a trim?"

"Yes please. An inch off, no funny business." This, I feel, is Talarico's specialty.

Over the course of a schooner, conversation ranges from the rise of the western Sydney ("St Marys will be the new Newtown in 20 years") to rugby league to a subject matter not suitable for print. It's a ridgy-didge barbershop that makes every cut-throat razor rockabilly whisky bar charging $50 for a dab of Brylcreem look like the theme-park attraction they are.

Slicked back with water, my Cattle Dog cut might have come from one of those joints until it curls up at the back and I look like a bloke taking his missus on a date to the dog track.

Regardless, I won't get be getting my locks snipped anywhere else. On the next visit I also plan to test my southpaw grammar in the boxing ring upstairs. It could be the best hair and spar treatment in Sydney.

THE LOW-DOWN
Go for… a schooner with your haircut.
Stay for… a punt.
Drink… Reschs.
And… have your money and tickets ready when using the drive-through TAB. There is no room for time wasters in the world of mobile gambling.