East Brunswick Hotel

Sticky carpet doesn't last long in the inner north these days. Until three years ago, this grand Victorian was loved for its scuzzy bandroom hosting the likes of The Drums and Eddy Current. No longer.

The site has been scrubbed with a renovation worthy of The Block, preserving a few heritage features – the original brick walls, exposed wooden ceiling, splendid steel beams. They've also added plenty of new ones, including chandeliers, a revealing unisex bathroom (a row of narrow frosted glass cubicles, you can see shadows, it's confronting) and (of course) a blue neon sign proclaiming Everything's Looking Up. But is it?

The glossy reboot is from ex-The Vine owner Ron O'Bryan with ex-Libertine chef Nick Creswick in the kitchen, and it brings to mind Circa at the Prince in St Kilda, the gold standard of rags-to-riches pub makeovers. 

The drinks menu is promisingly sassy – a Long Island Ice Tea is called the I'm Not Driving – but things come unstuck when a request for the proudly advertised Bartender's Choice elicits a baffled look from said bartender, who is sent diving for the 500 Best Cocktails manual under the counter. Better make that a pint of Melbourne, thanks.

It re-opened in September but feels like it's still coming up to speed. The earnest staff were at odds with the point-of-sale system and stumped by most questions about the menu. They did, however, reveal that 12 themed hotel rooms are set to open upstairs at the end of November, each inspired by a creative mind of the past: Dickinson, Rollins, Hemingway, Eastwood, Marx, Coppola. What's the link, you might ask? "I'm really not sure," confessed the manager.

A fun food menu reads like an American diner crashing into a suburban Aussie pub with schnitzels, parmas, steaks, oh my.

There's also deep-fried jalepeno poppers stuffed with stretchy cheese, and the traffic-stopping Trailer Trash burger, a toasted white roll with sweet pulled pork, pickles, slaw and, crucially, Kraft-style macaroni and cheese. It's a two-handed calorie-fest that will probably drip all over the floor – and that's one way to make the carpet sticky again.  

THE LOW-DOWN
Drink this Melbourne Bitter pint, $11
Eat this Trailer Trash, $21.50
Say this "We're not going to the bathroom together!"
Know this A beer garden is in the works for mid-2016