Five foods that (probably) won't kill you

As every lifestyle-savvy media brand is aware, the easiest way to get eyeballs in these click-competitive times is to have endless stories on the topic How You're At Risk Right Now. And the quickest and easiest way to do that is to write stories about how [insert literally any foodstuff here] has just been shown to be fatal.

Approximately 100 times out of 100 the actual study being cited in the article will have merely suggested there may be a correlation at work – that people who eat a lot of whatever it is suffer higher rates of cancer/heart disease/diabetes/vampirism/whatever – and added that the actual increase is well within the rate of statistical error for the size of the study. This is for several reasons, but mostly because science is complicated.

And it's true that everything can hurt you if there's enough of it. Too much of any substance is harmful, because that's what "too much" means.

And sure, people at website with "wellness" in the URL will tell you to eat whatever superfood – or, to use the scientifically accurate term, "food"– is in vogue, but the advice of such people should be taken with many, many grains of salt. Which, to be fair, you should probably try to cut down on since salt increases the amount of sodium in your bloodstream, making it harder for your kidneys to remove excess water in your body and thereby raising your blood pressure.

On a related note, there are three circumstances in which someone can legitimately refer to toxins in food and not be peddling garbage:

1. If they're talking about chemistry (that bitter almonds contain hydrogen cyanide, for example).

2. If they're talking about environmental pollution (such as lead getting into drinking water).

3. If they're the scheming Grand Vizier revealing their sinister plan to secretly murder the Sultan.

So, with all that being said, what are the foods that aren't going to kill you, probably?

Lemons!

They're incredibly rich in vitamin C which is hard to overdose on because it's metabolised in your body very quickly. All citrus contains vitamin C, but when we're talking about food that won't kill you, it's important to acknowledge that the beauty of getting your vitamin C in lemon form is that they're in the form of lemons, the least bingeable of the fruits. When was the last time you felt ill after munching down on a big ol' sack of lemons? Never, that's when.

Kale!

It's high in fibre, it has zero fat, and you can't possibly eat a dangerous amount of it because it tastes like urine-dipped newspaper. It was turned into a hot food fad in 2015 because food writers thought it'd be hilarious, and they were right.

Coffee!

The active chemical in coffee is caffeine, which is pretty damn difficult to overdose on since it leaves your body really quickly: depending on your age and weight, it's completely gone in between six and 12 hours. The only consistently negative health effect is that caffeine molecules bind to the same receptors in your brain as the adenosine molecules which tell you it's sleepy time. If you still have caffeine in your system when you want to hit the hay, it can mess up your sleep cycle, and that does have negative health effects. So, y'know, don't bring a thermos to bed.

• Is coffee good for you?

Booze!

Alright, fine. Alcohol really isn't good for your body. It's an addictive substance and the negative health effects are well known – everything from diminishing liver function through to septicaemia from improperly sterilised needles when getting your drunken facial tattoos.

However, the positives of booze never get much of a shout-out, despite the fact that enjoying a moderate drink is correlated with greater longevity. The most likely reason isn't the magical antioxidant superfood qualities of wine, but something much more straightforward: people who enjoy a drink tend to be social, and being social is great for both your mental and physical health. So who fancies a cheeky one?

Pretty much anything, really!

The main health problem associated with food is that we eat far too much of it, and the single greatest way to eliminate food-related illness is to not do that. Which is annoying, since food is easily the best-tasting stuff, but there's a huge advantage to cutting down on one's portions: you no longer have to give anywhere near as much attention to what you actually eat.

Your body is specifically designed to get rid of stuff you put in that it can't use, so as long as you're not overloading your organs by piling in more calories than it needs every day, your interior plumbing will do all the filtering for you. Thanks, digestive system!

Basically, everything in balance and moderation: then you'll live forever, probably!