What would science know about making tea?

John Birmingham
Take the word of a scientist about how to drink tea? John Birmingham thinks not.
Take the word of a scientist about how to drink tea? John Birmingham thinks not. Photo: iStock


I stand with Pauline and One Nation. The ABC should be de-funded with extreme prejudice. Not because they're openly in league with ISIS to secretly destroy our precious ways and freedoms. That's no biggie. They used to be openly in secret alliance with the Soviet Union and that turned out all right in the end. No, I want them shut down because of the lies and fake news they've been spreading about how to make a cup of tea.

And not just any old cup. But the best cup of tea ever.

A perfect cup, indeed.

Citing a mad professor at the so-callled University of Newcastle, the national broadcaster last week recommended the following:

  • Put hot water in the cup with your teabag. 
  • Heat in the microwave for 30 seconds on half power. 
  • Let it sit for a minute.

Or, in layman's terms:

  • Put hot water in the cup with your teabag.
  • Drop your pants and relieve yourself on centuries of traditional heritage.
  • Die screaming as the End of Days comes upon us and you don't even have a decent cup of tea to enjoy as human civilisation implodes.

Nobody but a mouth-breathing lackwit would place any faith in the word of a scientist in such matters. I met a scientist once and he drank instant coffee. It came from a machine that dribbled out a thin brown-coloured stream of luke-warm liquid brewed from dog bowl water, old pencil shavings and ear wax. He drank a lot of this stuff.


And now you expect us to take the word of a scientist about how to drink tea?

I think not.

Let me tell you about the ABC and microwaves, my friends. I worked for the ABC for a little while once upon a time and I left after I witnessed so-called much-loved local ABC celebrities microwaving eggs in a cup. Possibly, now I think about it even though I don't want to, the same cup in which they make their wretched failure tea.

If you're going to insist on using a tea bag to brew up, there is only way to do it. Pour boiling hot water over one bag of extra-strong Yorkshire Tea brand tea. Wait three minutes with occasional jiggling to ensure a consistent tar-like consistency.

Spoon in one tea spoon of sugar. One splash of full cream milk.

And sip with the superior air of one who knows they are better than everyone else.