Five foods to avoid on Valentine's Day

• Adam Liaw's Valentine's Day advice: KISS (keep it simple with seafood)
• Romantic dessert recipes (including options for your gluten-free or vegan Valentine)

COMMENT

The big day for rose sales and blokes looking awkward in button-up shirts is upon us. There are myriad articles online detailing what to cook for your Valentine on February 14 – romantic recipes "to help get you in the mood", usually featuring oysters, chocolate and, for some reason or another, sea bass. It's all nonsense, however, because almost anything you cook will be appreciated if it's made with love and doesn't involve the microwave. The following foods are best avoided to be on the safe side of the bed for Valentine's Day – unless consensual, in which case crack out the riesling and washed rind and have a time.

Anything heavy on the garlic

"You must really love garlic bread."

"Phwoar, sure. Don't you?"

"Yeah, but not on my breath!"

Remember those PK chewing gum ads from the early '90s? They were terrible, weren't they? Especially the one with that dorky Curtis Stone lookalike with his smug smile and white teeth and plate of delicious poolside garlic bread. The only thing more insufferable than those commercials might be garlic breath itself. And people who don't sit in their assigned seat at the movies. And golf. And photos of plane tickets on Instagram. But, that's about it.

Cheese

Obviously avoid blue cheese because it smells like a shot-putter's armpit. But kissing someone after they've eaten any type of cheese is a less than desirable experience. In saying that, cheese is bloody brilliant gear so I'm kind of on the fence here.

Meatloaf

All hail the undisputed king of libido-killing foods. Not only is meatloaf the name of a soft metal singer who looks like Grimace in a wig, it also tastes like a rissole that's turned its back on the world. Fans of Fork Me, Spoon Me: The Sensual Cookbook might disagree, however. Published in 2006, Fork Me includes recipes "designed to promote overall sexual health" such as vanilla-scented sea bass and "moist mango meatloaf". Yes, that is the actual name of the dish.

Canned tuna

As a rule of thumb, if you can assemble the dish in an office tearoom, you should not be making it for Valentine's Day dinner. This means no canned tuna salad with cherry tomatoes and an avocado long past its prime. By the way, if you're bringing canned tuna into a shared office environment, it needs to stop. That stuff is borderline cat food and the smell is abhorrent.

Chocolate-covered strawberries

Controversial, but hear me out. The strawberry's thin layer of chocolate becomes melty and gross within five minutes of leaving the fridge, resulting in smeared fingers staining the couch and freshly laundered clothes. Also, it's no longer 1984 and desserts have moved on. Chocolate sans strawberry is a superior option, but ricotta cheesecake is better again.

Callan Boys is the national food and drink writer for Good Food.