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MasterChef recap: Oh my cod, this fishy elimination is totally off the scale

Ben Pobjie
Ben Pobjie

Judge Andy Allen, chef Josh Niland and judges Melissa Leong and Jock Zonfrillo set a fishy challenge that sends someone home.
Judge Andy Allen, chef Josh Niland and judges Melissa Leong and Jock Zonfrillo set a fishy challenge that sends someone home. Supplied

Most reasonable people would say that the contestants already cook too much fish on this show, given the fact that objectively superior ingredients such as chicken and mushrooms are available. But anyway, tonight everyone has to do fish, which means some will almost certainly make fish-flavoured ice-cream and we will all have to vomit.

It's an all-in elimination, meaning there's the potential for high comedy if one of the amateurs who only just won their way back in last week goes straight out again. How we shall laugh! But no spoilers…back to the fish.

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Today's challenge is set by Josh Niland, an incredibly famous chef who I have definitely heard of. "I don't think anyone in the world knows fish as well as he does," says Maja, but she's wrong: David Attenborough does.

Prior to the challenge, Josh shows all the amateurs how to turn one fish into somethingpretentious, including a lamington with fish scales on it that is genuinely deeply offensive. Everyone gasps at the master chef's incredibly ability to pad out a show's running time.

Now to the challenge: the amateurs must take one Murray cod and make something in 30 minutes with it. Those cooks who aren't in the top eight must then cook something else with what's left of the cod in 45 minutes. And finally the worst three amateurs will have an hour to make something with the pathetic remains of their sorely-abused fish.

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Minoli makes her strategy clear: she will keep stuffing the judges with curry until they are too terrified to take any more. In contrast, Brent's strategy is to tell us about his family while sad music plays. Apparently he gave up a lot to be here: he quit a job he didn't want, which must've been painful. He's been so busy reminiscing about his tools that with less than 20 minutes to go, his fish remains intact on his bench, staring at him accusingly. Meanwhile Tommy is making a traditional Vietnamese dish, just to change things up, and Justin is doing, "like, chicken wings, but with fish", a plan that goes disastrously wrong when he examines the cod and realises it has no wings.

Round one tasting: Brent's panic was just a red herring (FISH JOKE). He is fine. Tommy is fine. A bunch of others are fine, but there's a bunch of other others who are not fine. These include Kishwar, Maja, Linda, and people of that nature. Minoli's fish is raw, which is bad, which is confusing, because sometimes raw fish is good, isn't it?

I don't understand fish.

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The seven losers enter round two to determine who the losers of the losers are. They return to the mutilated remains of their cods to see what can be made of them. Linda is going to use the loin, which is a bit unsettling – I don't really like the idea of fish having loins. I don't think it should be allowed. Minoli, as previously announced, is making the same thing again only without raw fish. Because raw fish is, as previously discussed, bad unless it isn't.

Dan is making a fish-fragrant eggplant which is some real science-fiction stuff. The daunting thing for him is to get the fish right. As it is for everyone. I mean it's a fish challenge, it's a mystery why everyone keeps going around saying they need to cook the fish properly as if that's an insight. Amir is making fish fingers, but not normal fish fingers: these ones will be far more expensive. Meanwhile Pete, trying to think of something familiar that he has done before, makes an ill-judged decision to give his fish a tattoo.

With five minutes to go, Pete's flesh is perfect according to him, but Maja has run outside in a panic, possibly looking for another fish to catch. Minoli tests her fish and is so happy with it that she briefly goes out of focus. With one minute left, all that is left to do for the amateurs is ignore the useless advice of the people on the balcony.

Round two tasting: Pete's dish sucks and I think he's going to cry. Linda's dish does not suck and Josh takes his hat off to her even though he doesn't have a hat. Jock enjoys Maja's dish as a dish, although not as a train set. Kishwar's dish is freaking great. Amir's dish is weird and confusing and gives everyone a headache. Dan's eggplant is a bit soggy…if you get my drift. Minoli's dish is declared the best dish of the day by Josh, putting to shame all the idiots who've gone before.

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This means that the three double losers who have one more chance to make their lives meaningful are: Pete, Dan and Amir. Reverse sexism? Yes.

The bottom three get back to the dribs and drabs of what's left of their cods and immediately start naming ingredients to camera. Dan prepares for the cook by slamming a cleaver into the fish's head, just to work out his anger. Amir chops off his fish's tail, causing the balcony watchers to somewhat patronizingly call out compliments. He tells Andy he's going to use the bones for a sauce. Andy stares blankly at him, having never heard of such a concept. "When I think of this food, I think of family," says Amir, who was raised by cod.

Jock and Andy visit Pete, who describes his mad scheme for taking a blowtorch to the fish's skin, just to send a warning to the other fish. The judges advise him to taste his dish before he inflicts it on them. "I really want to put something up that represents who I am as a cook," Pete says, as apparently as a cook he has horribly burnt skin. Pete has a blue band-aid on his thumb, yet another sign that the producers are denying us the best bits of this show.

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Amir has made his dumplings many times before, but never with fish. He assumes it'll be fine, though, because fish is really just a kind of lamb. Josh advises him to look in the pantry for something to make his dish taste good. Amir, who had no idea there was a pantry, is inspired.

Meanwhile, Dan. "What keeps ringing in my head is that it's a fish challenge," he says, and this is a good start. Beyond that, though, he has no clue. Jock comes over to shout at him. "Shake the funk off!" he barks at Dan, in an embarrassing misquote of George Clinton. Energised by the master chef's vague and useless advice, Dan knuckles down to the hard work of applying heat to animals flesh, thus producing an edible substance.

From the balcony, Amir receives some excellent advice: "Gotta cook those dumplings". Amir suddenly realizes that this was the missing element: cooking. However, his broth is very acidic and he can only hope that the judges all enjoy acid.

With one minute to go everyone begins shouting and pretending like there's any sort of jeopardy involved here. Actually everyone was finished fifteen minutes ago. Amir suddenly comes sprinting in from the garden carrying a huge bunch of green things. Nobody explains why.

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Round three tasting time: Pete's dish is good. Dan's dish isn't. Amir's dish is lemony. But what's worse: lemony or Dan? Turns out the answer is Dan. He must now go home and hate fish forever.

Tune in tomorrow, when the kitchen is rocked by the news that Melissa's earrings have achieved sentience.

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Ben PobjieBen Pobjie is a columnist.

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