Sushi and 11 other things that don't belong on pizza

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It's unlikely we'll see sushi pizza rear its raw head again after this week's Twitter bashing.
It's unlikely we'll see sushi pizza rear its raw head again after this week's Twitter bashing. 

Say it ain't so. Sydney's Sash restaurant has shuttered after three months of whacking sushi on pizza, truffle-oiling sashimi and thinking it's OK to write "miso hungry" on a menu.

Co-founders of the "fusion" pizza bar told The Sydney Morning Herald Sash went into liquidation because of high labour and rent costs, a slowdown in consumer spending and the popularity of UberEats. 

Most of The Internet suggested it was because the Surry Hills joint served a "blue cheese sashimi pizza" featuring salmon, seared tuna, blue vein cheese, wasabi mayo and sriracha. (Also note the "tropical tuna" number boasting mozzarella and strawberry salsa.)

However, Sash is not alone in the dark art of Topping Pizza With Things That Don't Belong On Pizza. It's unlikely we'll see sushi pizza rear its raw head again after this week's Twitter bashing so, while we're on the subject, here are 11 other toppings that need sin-binning, too.

BBQ Pulled Pork Pizza with Red Onions and a Couple of Beers- Photographed on a Hasselblad H3D11-39 megapixel Camera System Sushi and 10 other things that don't belong on a pizza
Sushi pizza
iStock
Barbecue sauce pizza
Calamari pizza
Chicken pizza
Dried mixed herbs pizza
Corn chip pizza
Fresh tomato pizza
Nutella pizza
Egg pizza
Unpitted olives pizza
Anchovy pizza
Pineapple pizza
Tinned mushrooms

Makes twiggy sticks look healthy. Photo: iStock

Barbecue sauce

Ugh. The most cloying pizza sauce of all, typically found on those "meat-lovers" creations loved by jet-ski enthusiasts and topped with the kind of processed meat that makes twiggy sticks look healthy. The abhorrence only doubles in magnitude when extra sauce has been zig-zagged on top of the toppings, and triples when a "mayonnaise" swirl is involved.

Closeup image of a delicious calamari pizza Sushi and 10 other things that don't belong on a pizza
Sushi pizza
iStock
Barbecue sauce pizza
Calamari pizza
Chicken pizza
Dried mixed herbs pizza
Corn chip pizza
Fresh tomato pizza
Nutella pizza
Egg pizza
Unpitted olives pizza
Anchovy pizza
Pineapple pizza
Tinned mushrooms

Chewier than a boiled eraser. Photo: iStock

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Calamari

The problem with seafood on pizza isn't the concept, it's the quality.  Fresh prawns, say, are perfectly delicious on pizza, by the ocean, with a glass of something cold and white. Unfortunately, seafood pizzas are too often dumped with a frozen medley of scallops, shrimp and squid that even my borderline-obese cat would refuse, and she eats John West like it's Whiskas. Calamari is the worst offender, often chewier than a boiled eraser.  

Hell, no. Photo: iStock

Chicken, specifically tandoori chicken

But also peri-peri chicken, satay chicken, barbecue chicken, sweet chilli chicken, tahini chicken, roast chicken, green curry chicken, parmesan chicken, coconut chicken, Hawaiian chicken (not really sure what that is but I saw it listed on a pizza menu in Melbourne once), garlic chicken, butter chicken, rotisserie chicken, kung pao chicken and nuggets. Chook, cheese and tomato is rarely a delicious flavour combination, and yes, that is a reference to chicken parmigiana. How the "parma" became our national pub dish is beyond speculation. 

A closeup image of a zesty taco pizza. Sushi and 10 other things that don't belong on a pizza
Sushi pizza
iStock
Barbecue sauce pizza
Calamari pizza
Chicken pizza
Dried mixed herbs pizza
Corn chip pizza
Fresh tomato pizza
Nutella pizza
Egg pizza
Unpitted olives pizza
Anchovy pizza
Pineapple pizza
Tinned mushrooms

A texture too far. Photo: JBryson

Corn chips

Corn chip-crusted fried chicken? Go forth and conquer. Mexican pizza? Cease and desist. Ground beef I can handle in a deep-dish, and guacamole is sometimes OK, but tortilla strips and Doritos are textures too far.

Pizza with dried herbs.

Stay away from the herb shelf. Photo: iStock

Dried mixed herbs

The Lynx Africa of the spice rack. Gross, overpowering and used only by blokes pretending to have their life together.

Margarita pizza with arugula and egg for breakfast, selective focus Sushi and 10 other things that don't belong on a pizza
Sushi pizza
iStock
Barbecue sauce pizza
Calamari pizza
Chicken pizza
Dried mixed herbs pizza
Corn chip pizza
Fresh tomato pizza
Nutella pizza
Egg pizza
Unpitted olives pizza
Anchovy pizza
Pineapple pizza
Tinned mushrooms

What's with the egg obsession, Australia? Photo: iStock

Egg

"Never follow a hippie to a second location and never buy pizza from a store listing 'Aussie' as a topping variety," someone, somewhere once said. Wise words to live by. Why do all "Aussie" junk foods feature egg anyway? The Kelly Pie, Oz-style burgers, pizza - I'm sure there are others, just like I'm sure we're not the only country fond of eggs. Anyway, egg and cheese can coexist in an omelette and that is all. 

Homemade Margarita Flatbread Pizza with Tomato and Basil Sushi and 10 other things that don't belong on a pizza
Sushi pizza
iStock
Barbecue sauce pizza
Calamari pizza
Chicken pizza
Dried mixed herbs pizza
Corn chip pizza
Fresh tomato pizza
Nutella pizza
Egg pizza
Unpitted olives pizza
Anchovy pizza
Pineapple pizza
Tinned mushrooms

Say no to fresh tomato. Photo: iStock

Fresh tomato

You know what pizza already has loads of? TOMATO. In sauce form. Why do you need to add more? Fresh tomato is totally fine with a creamy bianco sauce, however, especially when mortadella is involved.

Stock photo of children's smarties chocolate pizza, topped with crunchy sugar coated rainbow sweets perfect for kid's birthday party cake or fun dessert at garden barbecue, homebaked bread pizza base. Sushi and 10 other things that don't belong on a pizza
Sushi pizza
iStock
Barbecue sauce pizza
Calamari pizza
Chicken pizza
Dried mixed herbs pizza
Corn chip pizza
Fresh tomato pizza
Nutella pizza
Egg pizza
Unpitted olives pizza
Anchovy pizza
Pineapple pizza
Tinned mushrooms

Nope. Photo: iStock

Nutella

Dessert pizzas, generally, are a dumb idea - we already have tarts, pies, turnovers and myriad other (and better) sweet pastries. Slathering a pizza base with an Italian hazelnut spread designed for five-year-olds is the most basic concept since, well, Nutella.

Olive pizza.

Mmm, toothsome. Photo: iStock

Unpitted olives

"Siri - please search for emergency dentists near me open on Sunday."

Anchovies

Beware the surprise anchovy. Photo: iStock

Surprise anchovies

Every now and again, a nosy little anchovy will find its way onto a pizza where it does not belong. (My finger-in-the-air field estimate is one in every 100 pies.) A welcome cameo if you're fond of the fish; clinically traumatic for anyone that's not. 

Canned chopped mushrooms in red bowl next to can Sushi and 10 other things that don't belong on a pizza
Sushi pizza
iStock
Barbecue sauce pizza
Calamari pizza
Chicken pizza
Dried mixed herbs pizza
Corn chip pizza
Fresh tomato pizza
Nutella pizza
Egg pizza
Unpitted olives pizza
Anchovy pizza
Pineapple pizza
Tinned mushrooms

Fine, if you're into slime. Photo: iStock

Tinned mushrooms

These slimy frauds are already disgusting straight from the can, but reach new levels of grimness after a spell in the oven where they take on the texture of a used surgical swab. The squishy grossness only multiplies when eaten on cold pizza straight from the fridge. *Shudders*.

NB: Some thoughts on pineapple - it's bloody great. Salty ham and sugary pineapple make tremendous bedfellows, especially after a night getting to know each other, and leftover Hawaiian pizza is the ultimate minimum-effort-for-maximum-reward breakfast. And for the love of god, never reheat pizza a microwave. It deserves a proper grill, or at the very least a toaster turned on its side. (Please don't try the toaster trick if you enjoy your house not setting onfire.)