Friends, it's time we had a talk. This unicorn food trend? It's gone too far. Glitter-bombing already delicious doughnuts with "galaxy" icing, and subjecting innocent grilled cheese sandwiches to waterboarding with food dyes. Dressing humble milkshakes with the entire contents of a Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat dessert bar. Bagels, already boiled and baked, subjected to the further indignity of having their insides ribboned with a riot of colours, dusted with 100s and 1000s.
We're at fault, too, we know. Breathlessly reporting on the rainbow latte art of Melbourne's clever baristas and Bondi's turmeric-flecked golden milk, not to mention the quirky appeal of the bunless avocado burger; we are not immune to a glitzy gimmick.
Sushi doughnuts are very real. Photo: Sam Murphy
It was the sushi doughnut that really broke the camel's back.
Innocent sushi, saviour of the time poor, stripped of its seaweed skirt, prodded into doughnut moulds and redressed with drapings of pickled ginger. All in the name of Instagram likes.
Maybe health messages about avoiding refined white carbohydrates have tinkered with our subconscious appetites, reprogramming us to go for the most colourful carbs possible? Or a Freudian predilection for eating colourful play dough playing out?
Either way, here's the rub: these trends don't make food taste any more delicious. It's all in your head. We're double-tapping for style over substance.
Remember the bitter taste of disappointment when you found out that rainbow Paddle Pops are really just caramel flavour? That's what will be left on your tongue once the unicorn trend gallops off into the distance, leaving a trail of edible glitter in its wake.