Why leaving the house for breakfast is the worst way to spend a Saturday

• 25 make-at-home savoury breakfast dishes
• The ABC (anything but cereal) breakfast recipe collection

COMMENT

Blinding sun, screaming children and power-tripping waiters. Queues for toast, wobbly tables and whining dogs. Activewear. Chia. "Buddha bowls". Flax. Ten thousand mylks when all you need is a cow.

The results are in and the rumours are true: leaving the house for breakfast is a godawful time.

I would rather listen to a six-year-old hammer Edelweiss on a glockenspiel than knock elbows with a couple arguing over the Good Weekend quiz ever again. No, the Danube doesn't run through Cincinnati. Yes, Tex Perkins' real name is Greg.

Unless there's a child who needs a lift to sportsball, I can't think of any reason to leave the house before noon on a Saturday. Stay at home! Watch Landline. Learn about farms.

Shout-outs to all-day venues such as Cumulus Inc in Melbourne and Sydney's 212 Blu that go beyond the toast-topped-with-something-softer-than-toast breakfast model championed by most contemporary cafes. (Cumulus lemon curd madeleines with Duval-Leroy Brut is what other brunches dream of being when they grow up).

Too many modern breakfast menus are based around eggs: eggs on toast, avocado on toast, eggs on avocado on toast, weeping tomatoes and bacon that wouldn't be served in Long Bay lest it become a quick and easy shiv. There is no reason to leave the house for these things.

Occasionally there'll be a bircher muesli you could absolutely make at home. Heck, you can make any cafe breakfast item at home with little more than inclination and a bread knife. Hollandaise is an exception, but that's not to say you shouldn't try.

Breakfast at home is a wonderful thing and if weekend mornings are traditionally MAFS Analysis With Mates time, by all means invite them over. Worried the house is looking too ruffled? Pfft. It's before midday. No one cares.

Here are my tips for how to breakfast at home in 10 easy steps.

1. Snooze your alarm. No need to traverse five electorates to line up for a bagel.

2. Snooze it again.

3. And a third time.

4. Choose a Spotify playlist. No inoffensive cafe muzak here. It's your house and you'll listen to early Radiohead if you want to.

5. Create a condiment rainbow for your guests, beginning with Worcestershire and ending with Kewpie. HP goes in the middle; barbecue sauce goes back to the sweet hell from which it was spawned.

6. Place a coffee order with a friend en route. Coffee is probably the only thing a cafe will do a better job at than you.

7. Open a fizzy wine.

8. Immolate a batch of sweetcorn fritters and serve sourdough and French cheese instead, which is what everyone wants to eat anyway.

9. Repeat step seven.

10. Burn the toast. Choose a lighter toast setting. Choose a jam.

Choose leisurewear and matching teacups. Choose good health, low cholesterol. Choose bad health, high fat and carbohydrates. Choose DIY crumpets and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching Rage stuffing granola in your mouth. Choose stacking the dishwasher at the end of it all, nothing less than an example to your admiring friends who can't wait to return the favour in their own kitchen.

Choose your weekend morning. Choose to eat breakfast at home.

Callan Boys is the national writer for Good Food.