Why are scientists are trying to make plants taste like meat?

Vegetarians, I've known a few – but never as many as today. I reckon we now have more vegetarians on the planet than we have cows. Seen a pig lately? It's as happy as, because so many people are stuffing their faces with vegetarian bacon, seitan burgers and tofu hot dogs.

Clearly, this is a good move for our animals, health and environment, but let's just spare a thought for our vegetables. The thing is, not all vegetarians like vegetables. With complete disregard to vegetable welfare, they torture, smoke, pickle, dehydrate and manipulate them into tasting or looking like something other than they are. Like meat, in fact.

Then what happens to all the weird, fringe-dwelling outcasts like me who actually love vegetables? I don't need them turned into faux meat, because I'd rather real vegetables. And real meat.

Are scientists trying to come up with new forms of meat that taste like carrots and eggplant? No. They're all trying to make plants taste like meat instead – like Impossible Food's new meatless burger, made from a protein found in the roots of legumes.

But they'll have to watch their language, as meat and dairy producers move to protect their traditional terminology. Last year, the European Court of Justice ruled that plant-based foods could not be sold in the EU using terms such as milk, butter and cheese. Now vegetable-based products such as soya steaks and vegetarian sausages will be banned from being marketed as meat substitutes in France for "misleading" consumers. Expect a slew of appalling puns as marketers scramble to come up with new names that will resonate as much as steak, roast and meatballs.

This new legislation feels wrong for its time. Yet again, we are being divided by what we do and don't eat. The reality is a lot more fluid, and chefs and restaurateurs are catching up fast. At Melbourne's vegetarian and vegan restaurants (Transformer, Smith & Daughters), vegan pub (Green Man's Arms) and vegan pizzeria (Red Sparrow), they're not torturing vegetables or trying to make everything taste like meat.

At Sydney's vegetarian and vegan fine diner (Yellow), vegan hotel dining room (Alibi at Ovolo), Mexican (Bad Hombres), Italian pizzeria (Gigi), food truck (Soul Burger), and neighbourhood pub (The Green Lion), they're just applying their contemporary cooking skills and creativity to things other than meat. Works for me.